100% Achievement Guide

Solutions for every single achievement.

Create New Dirtwater starts out with a long line of empty lots on the right, marked by 'Lot Available' signs. If you walk in front of them, they fill about 3 or 4 screens' worth before stopping at a sign that says 'Not a lot available past this point'. The running gag involving spittoons. Whenever a currency is mentioned (in connection with bonuses, deposit eligibility, bets, jackpots, etc) it will be calculated West Of Loathing Poker in US Dollars and converted to West Of Loathing Poker your chosen currency. West of Loathing. An adventure RPG from the fellas who brought you The Kingdom of Loathing. A new expansion for West of Loathing called Reckonin' at Gun Manor is now available on Steam. A ghostly carriage arrives in Dirtwater. Only you can see it, and it only goes one place - the mysterious Gun Manor. A brand new West of Loathing adventure, full of all the things you've come to expect from the Loathing brand.

Horses
These are easy. Buy each of the three special horses on a different playthrough.

Pardners
There are four pardners you can recruit in Boring Springs, you can recruit one per playthrough and each has an achievement for finishing the game.

Contributing to the Delinquency of a Miner
Watch the end credits in Frisco with Crazy Pete as a pardner, he should be available by default.
Pete gets stronger as you wander around new areas of the map; events will pop up where he tells you about geology.

I Love the Way You Shoot
Watch the end credits with Susie Cochrane as your pardner. To recruit her as a pardner, walk up to her in the bar, then ask the bartender about her and examine her family’s graves at the graveyard. Talk to her again and she’ll ask you to get her gun from her ranch. Fetch it for her and she’ll agree to join you when you leave for Dirtwater.
Susie gets stronger as you kill cows, so kill them whenever you can and seek out new types to kill.

What’s Up, Doc?
Watch the end credits with Doc Alice as your pardner. To recruit her, talk to the hosteler about his injury, he’ll mention that Alice quit practicing medicine and spends her time drinking whiskey. Retrieve a bottle from the basement of the bar and offer it to her to get inside her house. Once you’re inside, give it to her and she’ll mention the undead problem. If you’ve fought a skeleton at the graveyard you’ll be able to continue talking to her about them. Examine the TNT in her house and ask her about it and the undead a few more times, then you’ll be able to suggest she go out and deal with the undead and offer to take her with you when you go.
Alice gets stronger as you kill skeletons, just like Susie does with cows.

Yes! Yes! To Finishing!
Watch the end credits with Gary as your pardner. Gary is the goblin in the basement of Boring Springs’ bar and recruiting him is less straightforward than the others. After you agree to go into the basement and kill him, do not fight him. Instead, grab the whiskey and give it to Alice like you do when recruiting her. Alice has a book in her bookcase that teaches you how to speak to goblins, read it and then go back to the basement and talk to Gary. You won’t be able to get the meat for killing him now but now you can take him with you when you leave for Dustwater.

A Fistful of Cutlets
The goal of this achievement is to get the maximum possible meat from the prologue. It can only be done if you took Dickerin’ as your free skill book and grabbed the needle out of the haystack before you left the family farm.

Do every quest in the prologue except unlocking the door to the jail cell, you’ll need the needle later. Gary will have to die because you need the meat from killing him for the achievement. At the Poker game, bet the option that requires three Moxie and then use your class’s persuasion skill to get the money. You’ll also need to sell Pete the two chunks of ore from Orehole Mine and the rock from a rockpile in Thousand Snakes Gulch. After all that you should have 2336 meat, subtracting the 1000 meat for the horse from that leaves you just one short of the achievement.

The last piece of meat you need is hidden in Orehole Mine in the corner behind where the Dark Horse was. Walk down there and press E, you’ll get a message saying there’s a crack in the wall that will take three sticks of dynamite to blow open. You can get two sticks from Brade’s stall, one for trading a needle and a free one for having the Dickerin’ skill. The third one is hidden in Thousand Snakes gulch. When you get to the third rattlesnake in the Gulch, surrender to it and you’ll get a free stick of dynamite to help when you try again, take it and the other two sticks to the mine instead. Now just blow open the wall and use a needle to pick the lock on the lockbox you find. (remember when I said not to pick the lock on the jail cell? That’s why)

Now just leave for Dirtwater and you’ll get the achievement. After that, if you start a new game and skip the prologue you’ll be able to take Gary and the Sherf badge along with the maximum amount of meat.

In a Row?
Just keep playing the game, you’ll get this.

WANTED
These achievements are for clearing all five bounties posted at Dirtwater’s jail. You’ll need the Ruthless perk from the prologue to kill all five gangs.

House-in-the-Desert Gang

Alive: Bring a skeleton bone, some oil and a lock with you. Give the bone to the dog, oil the gate and then lock the gang in their house and you’ll be able to arrest them with no problem.

Dead: Ignore the items and just fight. Alternatively, if you got the Ruthless perk by killing any of the prologue bandits in cold blood, you can complete it the same way as the Alive achievement if you also have some kerosene and a match with you. After you lock them in the house, pick the Ruthless option to burn it down.

Stripey Hat Gang

Alive: Pry the bars off the middle cave entrance. Open the door to release the spider into the right side of the cave where it will encase the gang in webbing

Dead: Just walk up and fight them or if you have Ruthless you can do the alive route but choose to let the spider eat them.

Potemkin Gang
Lure all three in front of the same “building” in their “town”. One gang member runs up to any “building” you get too close to. The second gang member runs to the next building down the line when you get too close to her. The third can be talked to and will go to any building you tell him to. Now go inspect the outhose on the edge of town to discover that it’s actually a fake set. If you want them alive, cut the rope after they’re all in front of the jail. If you want them dead and have Ruthless, move them to the sandwich shop instead and detonate the TNT barrel.

Black Hat Bandits
Alive: Watch to see which hat is theirs. For Room 5, make the piano play Public Domain Joe before you go in.

Dead: With Ruthless, do the same as alive but instead of turning them in, just shoot them while they’re tied up and take their hats back.

Gherkin Brothers

“Alive”: Balance all three cucumber vats at 11 (you’ll have to effectively drop one vat to -1, which is still zero as far as the game is concerned, then raise everything back up evenly until it balances), then tell the ghost they’re balanced. Set the salt to 976, then tell the second ghost it’s correct. Heat the vinegar up to 190 degrees, then tell the third ghost the temperature is correct. Now take the bones back to Dirtwater.

Truly Dead: You can fight the ghosts, but they’ll probably be too hard unless you’re good at combat, abuse items or come back later in the game. Alternatively, you can complete their unfinished business. Do the puzzles like you would when leaving them alive-ish. but instead of telling them their jobs are done, pull the lever out in the main room to despense three ghost pickles. They’ll come out and thank you before they pass on to the afterlife.

The Terrible Secret of Cotton Candy
First you need to get to the Circus. Either pay the 5000 meat entry fee at the gate, talk the clown down to a lower price (if you’re not a Cowpuncher) or search the Destroyed Campsite until you discover the Clown Campsite and get a ticket from them.

Once you’re in, buy some cotton candy from the vendor. Buy a second cotton candy from him and steal his slide whistle. Talk to the child on the other side of the midway and he’ll tell you he lost his lucky bottle cap. Ask the hot dog vendor if it’s in the lost and found and while he’s not looking, drop the slide whistle in. Then ask the cotton candy vendor for a third piece and he’ll mention it’s free if you can find his whistle. Tell him it’s in the lost and found and he’ll go over there, leaving you alone and able to inspect his cotton candy machine.

Under Pressure
Go to Kellogg Ranch and the barn, either pick the lock or find the keys by using the crowbar on the loose board in the main building. Go into the kitchen and mix up some dough with Kellogg’s recipe, but when you put it in the dough press, keep turning up the pressure until you black out. That’s all there is to this one.

Our Daily Bread
Do all the quests given by the mayor of Breadwood.

The missing mail

Go to the Breadwood bunkhouse and talk to the guy with a beard. He’ll direct you to the Postal Way Station. When you get there, check the cabinet to find maps of the area; unfortunately, you have no idea what they mean and will need to ask someone who does, like the Dirtwater postman, so go pay a visit to the Dirtwater post office and ask her about it. Return to the Way Station and check the shelves again, it will lead you to Chuck’s House. Go in and talk to him about his special tea blend, then go over, switch the labels and ask him about it again. He’ll go to his bloodr- er, bedroom to sleep and you can sneak in there and grab the key to the basement, where the missing mail, a bunch of skill books and a postcard are waiting.

The overdue book

Easy enough, just go up to Alexandria Ranch, kill the hellcalves and loot what’s left of the book from the wreckage of the farmhouse.

The logging permit

Go to Ghostwood and keep dealing with them until you get the permit. Remember to get the pencil out of the cactus when you get the temporary pass. Keep following their directions until they give you the unsigned permit. Take it back to Breadwood to get the Mayor’s signature and then get the pencil back from him. After you return the permit to Ghostwood, rest at your room in Dirtwater until they said they’d be done with the permit.

The soup shortage

Get some heat resistance and go to Soupstock Mine. Scoop up the soup with the bowls you were given. Three of the soup veins are locked behind the broken elevator. You can either solve the puzzle with some simple math or get the repair manual from the basement of Alexandria Ranch. To open the Ranch’s basement, get the cannonball from Fort Cowardice and then pick the locks on the lockers at Fort Treason. Take the post office box key you find back to Dirtwater and grab the documents from there. Put the flare you got from the lockers on the Alexandria basement door and go back to the cannon to blast it open. Be sure to have a match or you can’t fire it. With the skill from the repair manual in the basement you can skip Soupstock’s puzzle and fix several other broken elevators in the game without parts. The final soup vein requires some heat resistance and the easiest place to get some is from digging around in the spittoon in Roy Bean’s museum, so make a detour there if you don’t have any.

The skeleton raids

Go to the Military Cemetery and check the caretaker’s shack. You should find a flier for the wargames at Fort Memorial. The caretaker is the guy eating chips, you can convince him to get back to his job by having your class’ persuasion stat at 4 or beating all of their challenges.

The stolen yeast

Go in, fight the boss, loot its corpse for the yeast. If you don’t feel like fighting it, examine the beer vat and then attach the hose to it; this requires 20 Moxie to do.

The missing bread

Talk to the Baker Boys. There are several solutions and they’re all relatively easy. If you have Kellogg’s barn unlocked you can give them grain to practice breadmaking with. If you’ve cleared the cultists out of the buffalo pile you can give them bonemeal to grow their wheat. You can also go to the Lazy-A Dude Ranch and hire Louise to help them, but she’ll need some soap to clean up before she goes. If you have 3 Foragin’ or are a Beanslinger with 25 Mysticality you can just get bread and be on your way.

KUZPA HOPA
Unlocked after learning 69 words of the El Vibrato language. You can learn them by using batteries to power up the El Vibrato monoliths that give the Energized buff or by taking El Vibrato punchcards to the Education Facility at the bottom of the Curious Abandoned Well.

To amass enough punchcards you’ll need to go through the first part of the El Vibrato questline. First, go to the Humming Cave. Wander around the northeast corner of the map until you find it or the Rescue Mission, which has a quest that shows the way to Humming Cave. Take the triangular device from the cave and wander around until you find the Perfessor’s House. He will show you how to use the device to find more El Vibrato technology. Wander around until you find enough El Vibrato supplies and robots to repair the Perfessor’s device and make a keystone with it. Take that keystone into the Lost Dutch Oven Mine and use it to unlock the teleporter pylon. Inside, there’s a box you can grab that will let you make as many El Vibrato batteries as you need. To get more punchcards, wander around and fight robots and loot El Vibrato caches or take keystones into El Vibrato ruins to unlock the storage crates.

Won’t You Come Out Tonight
Reanimate Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Bill.

Go to the Buffalo Pile. Grab the locker key from the coat and open the locker. Hide in the wardrobe to learn the rhymes for the Buffalo reanimation fluid recipe, (it’s always been milk, blood ichor in my playthroughs). mix up some fluid and then take some bones for a Soldier from the shelf and put them on the table. Apply the fluid to the bones and Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Bill will come alive and be able to join your party. He’ll clear out the cultists from the Buffalo Pile for you, giving you access to the Unlimited Bones perk.

The Blackest Hat
Defeat the Necromancer by absorbing him with Necromantic Mastery.

Read enough Nex-Mex books to learn the Dark Howdy skill and gather enough clues from the Necromancer cultists to find the Necromancer’s Tower. Clues can be found lying around anywhere that the Necromancers have been, but you’ll also need to ask the Perfessor about Leylines, discover Hellstrom Ranch and get the Mycology book from the Military Cemetery or the Dirtwater bookstore if you’ve unlocked it. Nex-Mex books can be found in many of the places touched by the Necromancers, but there are also ones at Fort Memoriam and Chuck’s House. If you chose the Pale Horse at the start of the game it will lead you to a hidden book while wandering.

Three Bridges Too Far
Complete the second railroad quest three times with different bridges.

After you get the train across the mountains, the railroad construction will get stalled again at a canyon. Smee will suggest you go to Breadwood to get lumber but there are two other options as well.

Breadwood lumber bridge

Complete enough of the mayor’s quests and he’ll agree to supply you with lumber. You don’t need to do them all, five is enough, though it’s a good idea to finish this bridge on the same run you get the Our Daily Bread achievement.

El Vibrato model bridge

Mess with the El Vibrato console at the Curious Copse north of Breadwood to make a bridge.

First you need to activate the reactor in the Lost Dutch Oven Mine, you’ll need an El Vibrato battery to power the door console leading to it. After it’s powered up, explore around Breadwood until you find the Curious Copse. Keep going right, past the El Vibrato drone until a really big teleporter pylon appears. Now that the console is powered by the reactor at the mine, you need to route power and materials into construction. Route the power pipeline from the solar array to the north central construction facility and the matter pipeline from the matter teleporter to the north central construction facility. Now go into the solar array terminal and orient the panels until they’re in the optimum position at west/east 101, north/south 42. Finally, go into the construction terminal and choose the local bridge beacon as the current construction. Take it back to Smee at the canyon and build the bridge.

Buffalo bone bridge

Clear the cultists out of the Buffalo Pile and read a few Nex-Mex books until you’re abile to magic a bridge out of bones.

Not as many books as you’d need for The Blackest Hat, just enough to summon the second type of skeletal thrall.

Meat Mystery
Find Curly’s Meat.

This is a long quest that spans the entire game. First, read about Curly at Doc Alice’s house in the prologue (this might be optional, I still get the next part after skipping the prologue, but I’ve already read it in the prologue before so I’m not sure if it carries over). Travel to the Butterfield Ranch and examine the outhouse, you’ll get a clue telling you to go to Kole Ridge Mine. Grab the rope on the fence before you leave for Kole, you’ll need it to get to the lower level. In Kole, there’s a formation of rocks with triangles painted on, dig in the center to find a compass. Go to Alexandria Ranch and use the compass there to find a cairn surrounded by aspens. With 50 Muscle you’ll be able to lift it up and take the device buried underneath, take it to Madness Maw Mine. Use the device in each room until it gives you the option to dig with your pickaxe, you’ll open up a secret room with half a map that says the other half is with a man called Halloway. Halloway’s place is in the woods north of Frisco, so wander around up there until his store unlocks. If you talk to him with the pin from the locker in Breadwood’s Bunkhouse and the old pick from Jumbleneck mine he’ll panic but calm down when you agree to drop the subject. After doing that he’ll let you have his half of the map. Combine the two halves and read it to learn the treasure is buried outside Halloway’s shack. Dig it up and open it for your prize and the achievement.

No Country for Old Gods
Contain Roberto.

This is the culmination of the El Vibrato content. To solve this quest you need to retrieve power cylnders from Madness Maw Mine and the Abandoned Mine south of Frisco. After you have those, wander in the woods north of Frisco until you find the Curious False Mountain and Curious Flat Plane. Place the cylindars in the reactors there and set the terminals’ power to Roberto Containment. Now, talk to Pvt. Bowlegs at Fort Unneccesary to learn about Alamo Rent-a-Mule. Talk to the complaint department manager there and he’ll give you a quest to go to Deepest Delve Mine. Grab the gas cap from the back entrance or use Percussive Maintenance to fix the elevator and go down to level two. Fight the cultists or trick them using the mask of the cultist leader from Madness Maw with three of your class’ persuasion skill. Grab the big + off the altar and go down to level four. The cultists down here require 5 in your persuasion skill to trick. Once you get past them, dig out the teleport pylon and go through it to find the Roberto containment chamber. Interact with the center of the machine to install the object you got upstairs. Now with power from both facilities, use the console. You’ll be rewarded with the achievement and an El Vibrato crown for saving the world from Roberto.

Emperormaker
Get the train into Frisco by giving Norton a crown instead of fighting him.

There are several crowns he’ll accept. You can give him the Necromancer’s crown if you aren’t playing on hard mode (your hat will destroy it), you can give him the crown you got from containing Roberto or you can take the turnip you got way back in the prologue and pay the Silver Plater 20,000 meat to plate it. Each crown has a different ending but you only need to do one for the achievement.

The Hard Way
Beat the game while wearing the Hard Hat.

You can get the Hard Hat by giving the ore samples to Crazy Pete in the prologue. He’ll mention something about Orehole Mine being dangerous, especially Floor 40. Go back to Orehole and set the freight elevator to 40. The elevator will open to reveal a black box that contains the Hard Hat.

This hat gives zero stats, makes the game harder and makes you unable to have Gary as your pardner or ride the Dark Horse.

The Really Hard Way
Beat the game while wearing the Hard Hat in a single day.

Even harder than the regular Hard Hat achievement. You can’t get knocked out more than your tolerance for pain will allow and you’re stuck with whatever food, booze and medicine buffs you take until you get the train all the way into Frisco. In short, this takes a lot more care and planning than anything else in the game. The buffs from El Vibrato monolith buffs will be vital to surviving the late game.

You’ll need room in your spleen for the potion from the Fort of Darkness if you want to fight Norton and not pay thousands of meat for the ant-eye virus cure. If you want to give him a crown you’re stuck paying tens of thousands for the turnip crown unless you want to fight the Roberto cultists as they can’t be skipped unless you’re wearing the cult leader hood.

West Of Loathing Dirtwater Shops

The Jewel Saloon is the bar and hotel in Dirtwater. The staircase to the left leads to your room, while the main entrance leads to the bar area. Doorways right of the bar area lead to the poker room, the kitchen, and the stage.

West Of Loathing Dirtwater Poker Movie

• 1The Bar
• 2Your Room
• 4The Kitchen
• 5The Stage

The Bar[edit edit source]

In the main bar area you can talk to the bartender to purchase a drink. You can also find William Ellsbury sitting at a table, a spittoon, and a slop vendor selling, well, slop.

Errands[edit edit source]

• The bartender asks you to fix the piano player (requires a needle and 5 Mysticality), for which you can receive 20 - 22 XP.
• 30 XP for bringing Ellsbury his helmet and a bottle of laudanum, then listening to his story.
  • This can be repeated multiple times by bringing him a new bottle of laudanum.

Items[edit edit source]

• a filthy porcelain cow can be acquired by those brave enough to search the spittoon.
• a plate of slop can be purchased for 5 Meat from the slop vendor.
• a shot of Dirtwater Bourbon can be purchased for 5 Meat from the bartender.

Your Room[edit edit source]

Your room can be found to the left of the bar. It is unlocked by speaking with the barkeep. Things you may do in your room include:

• Sleep in your bed to end the day and empty your stomach, liver, and spleen. It will also remove most of your temporary effects.
  • Please note that certain perks, which are different from effects, are permanent, and some (namely Cowrruption) can only be purified by following instructions at Kellogg Ranch.
• You can place items in your room including:
  • Portable alchemistry set (Snake Oilers only)
  • Portable arcane oven (Beanslingers only)
  • Portable leatherwork bench (Cow Punchers only)
• You can use disposable binoculars to look out the window from your room. Locations that you may observe (unlock) from here are:
• You can insult yourself in your mirror to make yourself angry for a buff effect.
  • Careful: if you make yourself too angry you will pass out and the day will end.

Items[edit edit source]

• a blank postcard can be found on your bedside table

The Poker Room[edit edit source]

In the poker room there is one table you can sit at and play poker. Each poker game consists of 3 rounds of play, during which you can attempt to increase your odds of winning, and/or the amount of meat in question. You can play repeatedly, but the more you win the harder it gets (and the more money it costs).

• The ante is 20 + (5 * pokerwins) meat, and you play with 2 others, so the starting pot is 3x that amount.
• Your initial hand is randomly selected and gives you your baseline chance of winning:

• Your winning chance is then reduced base on the number of times you have won poker:

3 rounds are played. Each round you may raise, strategize, check, cheat, or fold.

Raise

• One of the 6 stats (Muscle, Mysticality, Moxie, Grit, Gumption, Glamour) is randomly selected, and a threshold is computed based on pokerwins + random(1,3). If you have a corresponding stat level at or higher than the threshold, you can bet more meat (and your opponents match it).

Strategize

• One of the 6 stats (Muscle, Mysticality, Moxie, Grit, Gumption, Glamour) is randomly selected. , and a threshold is computed based on pokerwins + random(1,3). If you have a corresponding stat level at or higher than the threshold, you gain 20% to your chance of winning.

Check

• 5% is added to your chance of winning. There is a 50% chance of one of your opponents raising, which will allow you to call (bet the same amount), or fold.

Cheat

• Cheating requires the Dirty Poker skill. Your chance of a successful cheat depends on your skill level:

• Successfully cheating raises your winning chance by 30%.
• Failing to cheat successfully reduces your winning chance by 10%

Fold

• You quit, and lose whatever you have bet.

The Kitchen[edit edit source]

The kitchen contains the cook.

Errands[edit edit source]

• The cook can present you with a series of tasks:
  • Bring him a shaker of saltpeter. The shaker can be found in a cabinet in the Administration/Mess Hall of Fort Cowardice, and returning it rewards you with 10 - 11 XP.
  • Bring him a Southeast-Western Murder Pepper. It can be found by wandering in the area outside of Dirtwater. You will be rewarded with 10 - 11 XP.
  • Using the key he gives you, pick up the sauté knife from the chef's P.O Box at the post office. Return it to the chef to gain 10 - 11 XP.
  • Loot the grave of Dave J at The Daveyard and bring back his secret sauce recipe to the chef. You will gain 10 - 11 XP and a sloppy cowboy hat (Cow Puncher), sloppy chef's hat (Beanslinger), or sloppy tophat (Snake Oiler).

The Stage[edit edit source]

The stage area is where you will find the Dirtwater band as you populate it with band members. It is initially empty, although you can ring the cowbell.

Errands[edit edit source]

• 1 XP can also be gained by righting the fallen chair.